how can i be purple?

i am going to list down my exact exact exact thoughts right now. this is probably going to be emo, just to warn. because i think laying these down would help me ease up.

1. ?

i am in total question mark when asked what i want to do. I DO NOT KNOW. some of my friends have their jobs already, of course not as RNs, but in the field of customer service. if you'd ask me if i want to enter that field too, i'd say with all honesty that 'yes' but solely because of the salary. i have a lot in mind of what to do with that salary. i want to help with house expenses, and buy things that i want. and because after 4 months of finishing NLE, i still belong to the unproductive category of this nation. BUT. i am torn with the next option of wanting to be a hospital volunteer. i can't just let my four years of college learning (+ 2 more months) slip through my mind. and what's the use of gaining license and not using it. plus, having trainings would allow me to enhance clinical skills, and be used for future employment, where ever it may be.

2. this, that, then that and this

i am such a lazy lazy lazy lazy lazy person. i just stay at home. watch tv, internet, sleep. THE IDEAL BUM LIFE IT IS. i have reasons why i don't want to pass my resume to both customer service company and hospital (as volunteer). (a.) i am lazy. i can't get up early and push myself to walk outside our house. (b.) my resume is nonsense. a piece of paper that just has no impact at all. i have no confidence with it because i don't know how to properly make one and no matter what i do, i was never an active student/citizen. damn. and what's more? i lack seminars and workshops. (c.) i don't know where to start (which sounds like reason a). (d.) i want to finish downloading a lot of things (which seems unending because every waking day there is another one waiting to be downloaded, and so how about the past ones? shit.)

3. look at them

my friends, my classmates they're heading to their paths. i am bothered because i am NOT bothered. like when they're saying and writing that they passed their resume here, there, all i can say is 'okay'. wait, since i wrote that i am bothered that i am not bothered, so probably i am bothered just for real. (damn, so confusing). okay, okay. rephrase. i think, I USED TO BE BOTHERED. because they had attended so many seminars and i haven't, they have passed their resumes and i haven't even created mine, and their life is going somewhere while mine is staying at home. which made me resort to just creating a reason that 'i am going nowhere, i'll wait till my sun shine towards a certain path' ---> so not good. and i offer that reason always when i hear their new stories ---> so so not good again.

4. blah

i don't want to ask anymore from my otousan, because every time i ask for something, he's just giving me nonstop list of qualms.complains.

5. not again
i'd want to go and do my own life alone. alone and independent of friends. yes, it's because of this.

6. i want to lose weight. LOL.



---> i think my prediction is wrong and this entry didn't sound emo at all.