i don't want to be attached to any of you right now. i think i have lost myself a long time ago when i became a part of a group of friends, and solely just 'a part'. i can't find any sense of belonging to the people whom i call friends, that's why i don't want to see you or hear any stories from you. because i think i used to be someone else, before i became indulged into being a friend or being someone inside a friendship. somehow, i think i realized, it became tiring getting along as your friend. and it made me ponder, 'why is it such a burden for me to go when you're calling for a meet-up?', 'why am i literally just dragging myself to meet up all of you?'. i think i somehow lost interest in listening, and plainly just listening.
i am rotten inside. that's why i need to try and repair my self. i don't know when was the time that i left behind who i used to be. but i know, i changed. and i am in an unhealthy changed one now.
and even more, i am losing my esteem when i am with you and i hear your stories. i am becoming more and more indulged in self-pity. and that is so not healthy.
i have diagnosed myself (based on the manifestations written in the psych nursing book) as a schizoid. though not completely, but somewhat it mirrors what i feel and what is happening in me. emotionally unstable.
i don't want to drain myself in depression, but i think seeing anyone of you, would add oil to the fire. so forgive me. i breathed and faced the lowest and darkest days of my life alone. alone. so i think i should just go on and solve my internal conflict alone. but i reckon any one of you would know about this. you have lives; you had turned to different directions from where we used to face together and i need to accept that.
darn, internal emotional disturbance.
i am rotten inside. that's why i need to try and repair my self. i don't know when was the time that i left behind who i used to be. but i know, i changed. and i am in an unhealthy changed one now.
and even more, i am losing my esteem when i am with you and i hear your stories. i am becoming more and more indulged in self-pity. and that is so not healthy.
i have diagnosed myself (based on the manifestations written in the psych nursing book) as a schizoid. though not completely, but somewhat it mirrors what i feel and what is happening in me. emotionally unstable.
i don't want to drain myself in depression, but i think seeing anyone of you, would add oil to the fire. so forgive me. i breathed and faced the lowest and darkest days of my life alone. alone. so i think i should just go on and solve my internal conflict alone. but i reckon any one of you would know about this. you have lives; you had turned to different directions from where we used to face together and i need to accept that.
darn, internal emotional disturbance.
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